Is this like an anti-establishment thing or something?
Britain is an old-fashioned, weird place. Every November, we burn a wooden effigy of a dude who tried to burn down Parliament hundreds of years ago. We turned people we like into knights. However, the most ridiculous thing that we have is our laws. If you wear a suit of armor in Parliament, they're legally allowed to cut your head off. Ha-ha, this is ridiculous. That's not the only dumb British law; we've got tons of them. And I don't even know if anyone takes these things seriously. So today I'm going to test that and try and break as many ancient British laws as possible in one day in front of policemen and hope that I don't get arrested.
Breaking Stupid Ancient Laws
Do you think that this is a suspicious fish?
You know there is a law where it's illegal to handle a salmon suspiciously.
Handling salmon in suspicious circumstances
I've got the salmon. Now I have to act suspiciously with it. He's checking if his car's locked. That's how f**king creepy I look.
What've you got a fish for?
Does it look suspicious to you?
It doesn't look suspicious, but it does look interesting.
It's not suspicious. Well, I'll try harder to be more suspicious.
The f**k is that?!
Ladies and gentlemen, would you like to see a man walking past with a fish?
Do you know if there's a library nearby, do you?
Library & Offences Act, 1898
Gambling in a library
Apparently, it's illegal to gamble in a library. So me, stinking of salmon, am going to go try and make someone bet with me in this library and break that law.
Excuse me, do either of you gamble? Yes, gamble, like blackjack. We don't have to play for money if you don't want to—I've got a sashimi-quality fish.
Excuse me, I've got great game of blackjack. Sorry if I smell.
How come you're doing this?
I'm tryna break as many ancient laws as I can in a day. You going again? Oof, bust. 10p for me.
I've gambled in a library.
I'm gonna walk right into that building there in a suit of armor—something that apparently you're supposed to get your head cut off for.
Parliament Act, 1313
Statute forbidding bearing of armour
A public gallery?
Um... Not sure if the armor—
You haven't got a real sword, have you?
No, no. It's plastic.
Sorry, it's just this has never happened. Have a look at the sign. Make sure you don't have any of these.
I definitely don't have any of those.
Why are you dressed as a knight?
I've just been filming around the corner doing my—we're doing the kids' TV thing.
I just went into Parliament, wearing a suit of armor, and I still have a head. All right. Next one.
Buckingham Palace (The Queen's House)
You can't shake out a dirty rug in public.
Met Police Act, 1839
Shaking a rug in public after 8 a.m.
And also can't wear an outrageous double ruff...
Wearing an outrageous double ruff
...or be sockless within a hundred yards of the Queen.
Being sockless within 100 yards of the Queen
Just shaking the rug.
Wearing a double ruff, being sockless...
Is it like an anti-establishment thing or something? Are you filming now?
There's a law against singing a lewd ballad in public.
Met Police Act, 1839
Singing obscene ballads in public
I'm pretty sure Tony Blair lives around here. I'll try and do a bit of improv.
我很確定 Tony Blair（註）住這附近。我要來做個即興表演。
Just gonna sing a song—I've written a little song, if that's okay?
If you do it on the other side of the road, yeah.
How are you today?
Tony, boy, Tony, please come out and play
You look like a marshmallow
Our eyes meet over the piano
Oh, I'd love to nestle my head on your
Tony, boy, Tony
Come out and play
Well, I sang about hooking up with Tony Blair to his window. I guess that's lewd—that's another law broken, another off the list. So stupid.
好了，我剛剛對著 Tony Blair 的窗戶唱了一首跟他調情的歌。我覺得那應該算低俗了吧－－反正又違反了一條法律囉，又劃掉一項。太蠢了。
I've never been to Downing Street before.
10 Downing Street: residence of the prime minister.
唐寧街 10 號：首相住所。
Town and Police Clauses Act, 1847
Knocking on a door and running away
VICE does not condone breaking the law unless it's a stupid law.
註一：Tony Blair 為英國前任首相。