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「為什麼愛得最深,也傷得最深?」- Why We Are Mean to Those We Love


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We should, in theory, be nicer to our partners than to anyone else in the world, a lot nicer than, for example, we are with any of our friends. We like the latter; we love the former. But, in fact, we're often monsters in love. What explains our bad behavior that there's so much at stake?
理論上來說,我們應該對自己的伴侶比世界上其他人都要好,例如說,對他們比我們任何朋友都好得多。我們喜歡朋友;愛自己的伴侶。但事實上,我們時常是情感關係裡的惡人。即使我們知道自己行為充滿風險,要怎麼解釋我們這種不良行為呢?

Friends are with us just for the evening. Our mutual challenges may go no further than the need to locate a half-decent restaurant. But the person we love has to be our best friend, confidant, nurse, financial advisor, chauffeur, co-parent, and sex mate. No wonder they can't succeed in every area, but that we expect so much from them.
我們只有在晚上時與朋友見面。彼此意見分歧之處頂多就只是要選擇在哪家不錯的餐廳吃飯。但我們愛的人必須是我們的死黨、知己、照護者、財務顧問、司機、共同家長,以及性伴侶。難怪他們無法在每個領域都成功滿足我們,但我們對他們的期望卻太多了。

In love, a problem that would not have to be maddening in and of itself, perhaps a towel on the floor or a chewing sound, can unleash catastrophic anxiety when we feel that this may be a more or less permanent feature of the one life we've been granted on this earth. At the backs of our minds driving our agitation on during domestic struggles is a simple explosive thought that the other person hasn't just done this or that thing we find problematic; they have ruined our lives.
在愛情裡,原本一個可能不會讓你抓狂的問題,也許是掉在地上的毛巾或是咀嚼聲,都有可能會使你混亂的焦慮感爆發,特別是當你有這樣的感覺時:這鳥事幾乎會成為自己終其一生擺脫不掉的事情。在家務紛爭方面,激起我們不安的是個簡單卻令人爆炸的想法:另一半並不只是做了這件有問題的事情;而是他們毀了我們的人生。

We aren't monsters with our friends, because they have no capacity to do as much damage. We need to have invested a lot in someone before we'll be motivated to scream at them, slam doors on them, and call them an asshole when they let us down.
對待朋友時,我們不會是惡人,因為朋友沒有能力傷害我們這麼深。我們必須在某人身上投注非常多之後,才會開始因為他們令人失望而對他們吼叫、對他們甩門,或罵他們混蛋。

Paradoxically, love makes us feel safe enough to be horrible. If we were intemperate with our friends, they'd very soon make excuses to stop seeing us. But love lends us the safety to reveal our more disturbed emotions and show our partner who we really are. And that's a privilege we would, in truth, be wiser and kinder never fully to share with anyone.
諷刺又矛盾的是,愛讓我們仗恃著這樣的安全感而變得可憎。若我們對朋友太過分,他們很快就會找個理由避不見面。但愛給予我們安全感,讓我們能吐露混亂的情緒,向伴侶展示最真實的自己。而事實上,如果我們夠聰明、夠善良的話,就不應該向任何人毫無保留地濫用這種特權。

To edge us away from self-righteousness and fury, we should, at moments of frustration, accept that we haven't come together with someone unusually incompetent. We're trying to do something unusually hard that everyone in the world fails at to some degree—not least us. We should blame the task, not our colleague. And we should at all times bear in mind, too, how hard we are to deal with. Nothing makes us into monsters faster than the illusion that we are on the whole really quite simple to be around. If we sincerely believe this, we haven't begun to know the very first thing about ourselves.
若要慢慢脫離自以為是與憤怒,感到挫折灰心時,我們應該接受我們至少沒有和特別無能的人在一起。而我們在做的,其實是特別困難的事情,某種程度上來說,是幾乎所有人都沒辦法成功做到的事情--特別是我們也做不到。我們應該怪罪那件事情本身,而非你的夥伴。而我們也該時時銘記,我們自己有多難對待。讓自己變成情感裡的惡人最快的方式,就是擁有自己是很好相處的錯覺。如果我們真心這樣相信,那我們就還沒開始了解最根本的自己。

Asking someone to love you and be with you is a pretty mean thing to suggest to anyone you really want the best for. We should try not to make it harder than it needs to be.
如果你真的想要某人幸福,就不該強求對方愛你或跟你在一起。我們應該試著不要讓感情變得比原本更困難。

  • 「有風險」- At Stake

    What explains our bad behavior that there's so much at stake?
    即使我們知道自己行為充滿風險,要怎麼解釋我們這種不良行為呢?

  • 「慢慢脫離」- Edge Away

    To edge us away from self-righteousness and fury, we should, at moments of frustration, accept that we haven't come together with someone unusually incompetent.
    若要慢慢脫離自以為是與憤怒,感到挫折灰心時,我們應該接受我們至少沒有和特別無能的人在一起。

  • 「尤其是、特別是」- Not Least

    We're trying to do something unusually hard that everyone in the world fails at to some degree—not least us.
    而我們在做的,其實是特別困難的事情,某種程度上來說,是幾乎所有人都沒辦法成功做到的事情--特別是我們也做不到。

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