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希平方
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「寫本專屬自己的使用手冊」- Fitting In Cardboard


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When I was younger I had this feeling that there was this handbook that I'd never gotten that explained how to be, how to laugh, what to wear, how to stand by yourself in a hallway.
在我年紀比較小的時候,我有這個感覺,有這本我從未得到過的手冊,解釋了怎麼做、怎麼笑、穿什麼、怎麼獨自站在走廊上。

Everyone else looks so natural, like, they'd all practiced together and knew exactly what to do, even just the way that they'd push the hair out of their face.
其他所有人看起來好自然,就好像他們全都一起練習過,且確切知道要做些什麼,即使只是他們將頭髮從臉上撥開的方式。

My experience was pretty much the opposite: I was conscious of how I sat and how I smiled. But when I was alone with another person, I had no idea what to do or what to say. I could just feel myself panic. It sucked.
我的經驗是幾乎相反的:我知道我要怎麼坐、我要怎麼笑。但當我單獨和另一人相處時,我完全不知道要做什麼或要說什麼。我會就感受到自己驚慌失措。那糟透了。

I'd imagine what people were like when I wasn't around: how they'd compare notes on how I didn't quite fit. Or even worse, maybe they just wouldn't notice.
我會想像人們在我不在時會像怎樣:對於我不太融入一事他們會怎麼交換意見。或甚至更糟,也許他們就是沒有注意到。

So I tried to pick up the patterns. I wore what they wore, and said what they said. I even wrote "smile more" on a sticky note. And over time it sort of worked in a way. I made a version of me that fit in, whatever that means.
所以我試著去學習那些模式。我穿他們穿的衣服、說他們說的話。我甚至在便利貼上寫「多笑一點」。隨著時間過去,在某種意義上有點行得通。我創造出了一個可以融入的版本的我,不管那代表什麼。

But as I grew older, the patterns kept changing. And I took so much effort to keep learning them. And I was still stuck with the problem that I started with: being terrified at the moment when my tricks stop working.
但當我年長一點,模式不斷改變。我做了好多努力去持續學習它們。而我還是卡在我一開始的問題:在我的伎倆行不通的那一刻感到恐懼。

I think it took me too long to learn something. That even though there is a thing called fitting in, that is something that you can learn and practice. Those pages are so thin compared to who you are. That the way to become natural, like I wanted to be so badly, is by forgetting what you're trying to beat other people.
我想我花了太長一段時間去學某件事。即使有一件事叫做融入,那也是一件你可以學習並練習的事。那些書頁跟你是誰比起來非常淺薄。要變得自然的方式,就像我深切想要成為的樣子,就是要透過忘記那些你試著要打敗其他人的事。

If there is a handbook, you probably get to write it yourself.
如果有本手冊,你也許要自己編寫。

  • 「交換意見、資訊」- Compare Notes

    ...how they'd compare notes on how I didn't quite fit. Or even worse, maybe they just wouldn't notice.
    ...對於我不太融入一事他們會怎麼交換意見。或甚至更糟,也許他們就是沒有注意到。

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