Ah...beautiful day. I'd call it perfect. But it's missing something, don't you think? Ah! There it is. This morning just wasn't complete until your first cup of coffee, right? Yeah, there's nothing quite like a steaming cup full of an addictive drug in the morning. I'm Roger. And I'd love to tell you about Horton brand warm, addictive brown stuff.
Please enjoy this footage of velvety smooth beans, followed by a well-shot close-up of a hot brown liquid that's brewed by mixing heated water with the roasted, smashed-up seeds of a flowering shrub native to Southern Africa and Tropical Asia. I only showed you that to remind you, you desperately need your fix. How could you forget? You see, these small brown seeds are a naturally occurring source of the world's most widely consumed central nervous system stimulant—caffeine. While most brain-altering substances are outlawed or at least tightly controlled by the government, this entirely legal psychoactive drug is enjoyed by basically every person you know, on a daily basis, completely unrestricted, and with zero cultural stigma. In fact, it's openly celebrated by your friends, family, and morning television personalities!
Smells so good. I can't wait to add flavors and sweetener to distract from the natural flavor of this thing I claim to love and not be addicted to.
I do like it! It's just that...two sugars and that hazelnut creamer make it—I'm not addicted to...
Junkies like him keep me, a harvester of brown seeds, in business. But not just me—also me, a distributor of overpriced addictive sludge.
It also comes in pumpkin flavored, if you'd prefer that to the wet-cigar, boiled-asphalt flavor that occurs naturally.
Great! That'll be 11 dollars and...here's a cup with your name just butchered on it to prove that you will let literally anyone treat you literally however they want as long as they're handing you a cup of the chemical reward of an unregulated psychoactive drug. Enjoy your drug disguised as a universally celebrated touchstone of human culture, Randor. Randor? That's not even a name! I didn't even try.
Now, I understand that you wouldn't want to associate that chemical reward with the knowledge that people with far less money than you are severely underpaid to grow and harvest these bitter, drug-laden seeds. So I'd like to show you some more footage, this time of a hardworking, happy-looking person in Ethiopia, or Guatemala, somewhere hot—it doesn't really matter. I'm also going to say some words that, combined with these images, should make you feel better.
I could bore you with the details and complexities of the international commodities market, or I could just say, "Hey, look! This burlap bag of beans has 'Fair Trade' stamped on it."
Sure! Or at any rate, it lets you plausibly deny that your happiness fix relies on somebody else's misery. Now the only thing that'll keep you up at night is the central nervous system stimulant you consume on a daily basis via this mix of heated water and roasted, smashed-up seeds.
Why are you doing this? Why are you telling us this?!
You're really cranky when you haven't had your coffee, you know that? There you go...a nice warm cup of your personality. Drink it up!
I'm Roger, by the way.