Fixed Fairy Tales
The Princess and the Pea
The Princess and the Pea is an interesting story. The overly picky prince, determined to find a true princess, and the pea in the bed...uh, never mind. Anyway, odd tale indeed. Let's look at how this story should have ended. Shall we?
Oh, Mother, I fear I shall never find a true princess that is truly true. And now, it is beginning to rain. Woe is me.
Don't despair, my darling dear. You deserve a princess as true as can be.
And while the picky prince was at his whiniest and the storm had reached its stormiest, there came a knock at the castle's front door. The prince opened the door to find the soggiest, muddiest, least princessiest-looking young woman he had ever seen.
I got separated from my traveling companions during this terrible storm. May I please come in out of the rain?
I'm sorry, but we're only allowing entrance to true princesses. Good day.
But the woman at the door would not give up. She knocked even louder this time.
I am a true princess. Please. Let me come in out of the rain.
The prince was confused. Could this soggy, muddy, now grumpy young woman truly be a true princess?
Of course you can come in, Muddy. I mean, my dear.
Oh, thank you. I'm so tired, drenched, and hungry. I've barely slept at all on this trip. What I really need is shelter for the night.
But, Mother, she's—
Of course, of course. Why don't you get something to eat and warm up by the fire as we prepare a nice room for you to sleep in tonight.
Thank you so much.
But, Mother, why would you—
Don't worry, darling. I have the perfect way to test if she's a true princess or not.
So while the soggy princess dried out, the queen directed her servants to prepare a bed with 20 mattresses.
Then, she added 20 soft down comforters.
Then, the queen took a single, tiny green pea and placed it under the massive pile of comforters and mattresses.
A true princess is sensitive. So if she feels that tiny pea under all of that, then we will know she is a true princess.
Why don't we just call the kingdom she says she's from and ask them if she's a princess?
This is the only way!
The next morning at breakfast, the prince and the queen anxiously awaited the arrival of the princess. Finally, she dragged herself down the stairs with what the prince thought were very promising bags under her red, swollen eyes.
Good morning, my dear.
How did you sleep last night?
Sadly, I didn't sleep well at all. Thank you for the room, but there was some sort of rock or lump in those mattresses. No matter how I tossed or turned, I couldn't get comfortable. I never actually fell asleep.
You passed the test!
That was all a test. Only a true princess would be sensitive enough to know the pea was there. You passed, and now we know you are a true princess.
Whoa, whoa, whoa... I showed up at your doorstep drenched, filthy, and exhausted, and you decided to...test me?
Yes, it was all a test, but you passed. So, hooray!
And now you two can get married.
No! We're not getting married. What is wrong with you people? That's the meanest thing anyone has ever done to me. Why would I want to marry someone who treats women that way?
Um...because I'm a prince.
What was it you said to me last night? Oh, right, I remember.
But wait! You're the only true princess in the land.
Yeah, but you're not the only prince. I'm off to find someone nicer.
And she did find someone nicer—a kind prince who respected her and didn't try to put her through silly, stupid tests. They lived happily ever after and never ate peas.
So, the moral of the story—always be nice to people, and don't hide your vegetables under the bed. The end.