Parenting: How to Raise Responsible Kids
Hi, I'm Dr. Laura Markham of ahaparenting.com, and today we're talking about how you can help your child become more responsible. Now, the first thing you can do is give your child choices. Right from the time your child even understands what you're talking about, "Do you want the blue cup? Do you want the red cup?"
嗨，我是 ahaparenting.com 的 Laura Markham 博士，今天我們要來聊聊你可以怎樣幫助你的小孩變得更有責任感。現在，你能做的第一件事是給你的孩子選擇。從你的孩子能理解你在說什麼的時候就開始，「你想要藍色的杯子嗎？你想要紅色的杯子嗎？」
Why does this matter? Well, judgment develops from experience, and sometimes, good judgment develops from bad experiences. So, kids really need the chance to make decisions right from the beginning, and that way, the decisions they make when they're out of your sight, when they're 17, 18 and 19, are gonna be much better decisions than a child for whom you've made all the choices.
為什麼這很重要？這個嘛，判斷力從經驗中逐漸養成，而有時候，好的判斷力是從不好的經驗中慢慢累積的。所以，孩子真的很需要從一開始就能作選擇的機會，那樣一來，他們不在你視線時所作的決定，他們 17、18 和 19 歲時所作的決定，這些決定會比一個你替他下所有決定的孩子來得更好。
The second thing you can do is problem-solve rather than blame, or punish, your child. Now, what do I mean by that? Well, just take the word "punish" out of your vocabulary entirely. Instead, think in terms of problem-solving. So, your child has done something wrong? You're looking for a punishment? Uh-uh! Instead, say, "Well, we have a problem here." Not even your child is being a problem, because your child isn't. Your child now has created a problem. So, we look at the problem and we help our child figure out, "What could we do about this problem? You broke your sister's toy." Right? Or, worse yet, "You hit your sister, and you damaged that relationship. What can we do to problem-solve there? Is there a repair that you can make? A reparation?" And that's how children learn, how that, even though we're human and sometimes we make mistakes, we can always make things better. And it empowers them, instead of making them feel like bad people.
The third thing is setting limits in an empathic way. I wanna tell you about a piece of research that has been going on in the studies about this for the last 50 years. And we have some very clear indicators of what helps kids come out great, be responsible, but also be emotionally intelligent, and just all-around wonderful people. So, look at this:
We tend to think that parenting, kids are always up, when...that when we interact with our children, we're always on a scale between permissive and authoritarian, right? We're somewhere on this scale of demandingness. If we demand a lot, we're over here on the authoritarian side of the scale. If we don't demand very much, we're over here on the permissive side. These are the kids that run around the restaurant and annoy everybody. These are the kids who everyone says are spoiled rotten. These kids are the kids who, really, when you ask them later, they'll say their parents were very strict, but often, they aren't speaking to their parents. If the parents are very strict, the kids have rebelled a lot during the high school years.
And... So, we might think, Okay, the sweet spot's right in between. But, here's the disadvantage to that. The disadvantage is I want my kids to get straight A's. That's over here, right? I want my kids to write nice thank you letters—that's over here. I want my kids to sit down in the restaurant instead of running around, annoying people—that's over here too. So what am I supposed to do if I'm too demanding? My kids are gonna be mad at me, right? And in fact, there's a lot of research that demanding parents don't raise kids who think for themselves, and they're actually very vulnerable to peer pressure as they grow up.
But there is a solution. You know why? We've only got half the picture here. Here's what we need to look at. There's another axis. This axis is the support axis. So, if you look at high demandingness over here, but high support over here, suddenly we get the sweet spot. That's the kind of parent we wanna be! We wanna be as demanding as the authoritarian parent in the sense of, "No, you can't run around the restaurant, sweetie," but we wanna be as supportive, "I see it's not really appropriate to have brought you to this restaurant. You're only three years old, and it's the end of a long day!" Right? We're seeing it from our child's point of view and we're supporting her. Or, "Honey, you can be as jealous and mad at your sister as you want, but you cannot break her toy." Right? "We need to do something about this problem you've created." That's the sweet spot in parenting—empathic limits.
- 「就...方面來說」- In Terms Of
Instead, think in terms of problem-solving.
- 「想出、理解」- Figure Out
So, we look at the problem and we help our child figure out...
- 「獨立思考」- Think For Oneself
And in fact, there's a lot of research that demanding parents don't raise kids who think for themselves...