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「瘋狂科學家新作──小屁孩」- The Mad Scientist Creates Junior High School


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At last, it's ready! Igor, come quickly! It's finished.
終於,它準備好了!伊果,快過來!它已經完成啦。

What, Master?
什麼,主人?

My evil creation, which will bring untold misery to mankind. I call it Junior High!
我的邪惡之作,它將帶給人類無盡的苦難。我稱之為「國中」。

Show me, Master!
給我看看,主人!

I started by creating an extremely awkward stage of life. I call it a "Tween." He's no longer cute, but not yet useful; old enough to like girls but too young to know that AXE body spray won't attract them. And he's outgrown his parents but cannot yet drive, so he has to be dropped off at parties by Mom, the chauffeur of shame.
我藉由創造出一個人生中極度尷尬的階段起頭。我稱之為「小屁孩」。他不再可愛,但也還沒啥用處; 大到可以喜歡女孩子了,但還太嫩不知道 AXE 體香噴霧並不會吸引她們。他已經長得比他的父母還大隻,但他還不能開車,所以他必須讓媽媽載到派對去--帶來羞恥的司機啊。

That does sound dreadful.
那聽起來的確很可怕。

But the parents don't stop there—oh no! They also make the children wear this invention. I call them braces. They'll make her look better by the time she's grown up and secure by making her look worse at the most vulnerable time in her life. But don't worry: they're extremely painful.
但父母們可不會就此罷手--喔不!他們還逼小孩戴這項發明。我稱它們為「牙套」。它們藉著讓她在人生最脆弱的時期中看起來慘不忍睹,在她長大且較有自信後才讓她變得好看一些。但別擔心:它們超級痛的。

Yes, sir, that is quite evil.
沒錯,先生,那真是相當邪惡。

Thank you.
謝謝你。

So where does junior high come in?
那麼國中從哪起作用呢?

That's where things really get fun, Igor. For example, I'm making this one study geometry and algebra. At first he hated it. But then after lots of hard work and perseverance, he still really hated it.
那就是事情真正變得有趣的地方,伊果。舉例來說,我正逼這傢伙學習幾何和代數。起初他痛恨它。但接著經過許多努力和毅力後,他還是非常痛恨它。

Well, will he at least use them in his future career?
嗯,他至少會在他的未來職涯中用到幾何和代數吧?

Yes, if he ever teaches geometry or algebra.
會的,如果他教幾何或代數的話。

You mean they exist only for themselves?
你是說那些東西只為它們自己存在?

They're the Kardashians of the math world.
它們是數學界的卡戴珊家族(美國名媛家族)。

You are sadistic, Master.
你真殘酷啊,主人。

But I don't stop there. I've even modified their biology. I've timed the growth spurt so that boys like this are suddenly shorter than all the girls in their grade. True, his voice is getting deeper, but at humiliating moments it will betray him with a squeak that would embarrass the Vienna Boys' Choir. Oh, and then there's the facial hair. It starts out faint and wispy. And there it remains, like someone took scissors to a toothbrush.
但我可不會就此罷休。我甚至修改了他們的成長規律。我已經安排好身高突增的時間點,為的是讓像這位的男孩們突然變得比他們同年級裡的女孩還矮。沒錯,他的聲音漸漸變低沉,但在一些丟臉的時刻,他的聲音將用一個會使維也納少年合唱團蒙羞的嗄嗄聲來出賣他。噢,然後還有那鬍鬚。它一開始不明顯且細小。然後它就逗留在那了,像某人拿剪刀去修剪一把牙刷一樣。

But what about the girls?
但女孩們怎樣呢?

I was talking about the girls.
我就是在說女孩。

Oh! So cruel, Master!
喔!太殘忍了,主人!

Oh, and here is my finest creation—acne.
噢,然後這兒是我最棒的創造--青春痘。

Will it go away?
它會消失嗎?

That's what his parents tell him, but really, never. One day he'll wake up and start his morning with both acne treatment and denture insertion. It's like immortal pubescent face leprosy!
那是他父母告訴他的說法,但實際上,永遠不會。有天他將醒來,並用痘痘治療和裝上假牙來開啟他的早晨。這就像永存的青春期臉部痲瘋病!

You are way too happy about that.
你也對那事感到太開心了吧。

Ah, junior high, how I love it! Absolutely anything can make them miserable. This one just realized she'll never get that letter from Hogwarts—not a good day for little hormoning Myrtle.
啊,國中,我多麼愛這啊!任何事無疑都能讓他們慘兮兮。這一位才剛體認到她永遠不會收到那封來自霍格華茲的信--對荷爾蒙作祟的小麥朵來說可不是什麼好日子。

Please, let the madness stop!
拜託,讓這瘋狂實驗停止吧!

Ah, but I haven't told you the best part, Igor. I take all of these tortured souls and quarantine them in their own schools, like a tank full of awkward betta fish. I've made it so cliquey that, secretly, no one's popular! Isn't it beautiful!
唉啊,但我還沒告訴你最棒的部分呢,伊果。我帶領所有這些受盡折磨的靈魂們,並把他們隔離在他們自己的學校裡,就像一座充滿了窘困鬥魚的魚缸。我把國中弄得如此愛搞小團體以致於,偷偷地說,沒人是受歡迎的。這難道不美妙嘛!

No! Your ideas will never catch on.
不!你的鬼點子永遠不會流行的。

Won't they, Igor? I've already produced my own horror film. I call it Junior High School Musical, full of terrors beyond description: detentions, baggy gym shorts, three-ring binders whose rings won't line up!
它們不會嗎,伊果?我已經製作出我自己的恐怖片了。我叫它「國民中學音樂劇」,充滿了無以名狀的恐怖事物:留校懲罰、寬鬆的運動短褲、扣環不會排成一列的三環文件夾!

Enough! Okay, run away!
夠了!好,逃吧!

Run away and be free! No, Igor! You fool!
逃啊,自由吧!不,伊果!你這傻子!

Go! No!
走吧!不!

Go, you tweens!
走吧,你們這些小屁孩!

You've unleashed a far greater evil on the world...that was One Direction.
你剛釋放出世界上最為強大的邪惡力量...那可是一世代(英國男子樂團)耶。

Well, hello! Have you subscribed to Studio C? Because now's the chance, you won't get any other opportunities after any other YouTube videos. It's the only one. OK, but you should anyway. Or you can wait; maybe watch a few more things and see if you like it. And if you do, then you can subscribe. You know, don't dive in too fast, even though it's all...all really funny. Don't take my word for it.
嗯,哈囉!你訂閱 Studio C 頻道了沒?因為現在就是那好機會啦,在任何其它 YouTube 影片播完後你將不會再有任何其它訂閱的機會。這是唯一機會。好吧,但總之你應該訂閱。或者你可以等等;或許再看點東西然後看看你是否喜歡這頻道。如果你喜歡,那麼你就可以訂閱了。你知道,別太急著訂閱,即使這全部...全部都非常有趣。別聽我的話。

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