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「【意圖讓人吐血~】你好,我是史上最差勁男友」- The Worst Boyfriend Ever


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Hey, guys! So one of the most common questions I get all the time is, "Hey, Ryan! Are you single?"
嗨,大家!一直以來我最常被問到的其中一個問題是:「嘿,Ryan!你單身嗎?」

And for the past two years, I've been giving you guys the same answer, "Yes." And then I get a whole bunch of comments that are like, "How do you not have a girlfriend?" "I'll be your girlfriend." "I can be your girlfriend." "Ryan, I'll be your girlfriend."
而在過去兩年,我都一直給你們大家同樣的答案,「對。」然後我會收到一堆留言像是:「你怎麼會沒有女友?」「我當你女友。」「我可以當你女友。」「Ryan,我當你女友吧。」

And honestly, I appreciate it. It is so flattering; it makes me feel good right here...on my boob. But to be honest, guys, you have no idea what it's like to date someone like me. There's a reason why I've been single for so long. I probably have every single quality of the worst boyfriend.
說實話,我很感謝。真讓我受寵若驚;讓我這裡感覺很棒...在我胸部上面。但說真的,各位,你不會知道跟我這種人約會是什麼樣子。我單身這麼久是有原因的。我可能擁有史上最差勁男友的每一項特質。

The Worst Boyfriend Ever
史上最差勁男友

I am the opposite of romantic. I am the epitome of unromance-tic.
我是浪漫派的相反。我是典型的不浪漫者。

Surprise! Happy Anniversary!
驚喜!週年快樂!

Oh...thanks.
喔...謝謝。

What's wrong?
怎麼了?

Nothing. But, I mean, most couples give each other flowers or roses.
沒事。可是,我是說,多數情侶給對方花或玫瑰。

But flowers are useless—they just die.
可是花很沒用--它們只會凋謝。

But a razor?
可是剃刀呢?

You needed one, right?
妳需要一支,不是嗎?

No!
沒有!

Then why have your legs been so sandpapery lately?
那為什麼妳的腿最近那麼粗糙?

Oh...
喔...

And you did need the toothpaste because I've been using yours to preserve mine.
而且妳的確需要牙膏,因為我都用妳的,這樣我的才不會被用到。

Then what about the cactus?
那仙人掌呢?

It's for the bathroom, to remind you to do something about your pokey legs.
放浴室啊,提醒妳處理一下妳刺刺粗糙的腳。

Whether I'm wrong or I'm right, I have to win every single argument, even if I'm wrong.
不論我是錯或對的,我每次吵架一定要贏,即便我是錯的。

I didn't know the biggest animal in the world was a blue whale!
我都不知道世界上最大的動物是藍鯨!

No, it's not. It's an onyx. You're so cute when you're stupid.
不對,才不是。是縞瑪瑙(一種礦物)。妳這麼笨的時候好可愛。

I'm reading it right here.
我從這裡讀到的。

Then it's wrong.
那它寫錯囉。

Why do you always have to argue with me?
為什麼你總是要跟我爭?

Why do you always have to argue with me?
為什麼妳總是要跟我爭?

You're being really immature right now.
你現在真的很不成熟。

You're immature.
妳才不成熟。

You can't just copy what I say!
你不能只是學我剛剛說的話!

You can—1-0 Ryan.
妳可以--1 比 0 Ryan 勝。

Also, I can be very controlling.
而且,我還非常有控制欲。

No! You can't go.
不行!妳不可以去。

It's just a family dinner.
那只是一頓家庭晚餐。

Are there gonna be any guys there?
會有任何男的嗎?

No!
不會!

Well, is your dad going?
嗯,妳爸會去嗎?

He is.
他會啊。

I am so hurt right now.
我現在真的很受傷。

I get jealous very easily.
我很容易就嫉妒。

Mmm...this hummus is good. I love it!
嗯...這個鷹嘴豆泥真棒。我愛它!

Then why don't you just marry it then?!
那妳幹嘛不乾脆跟它結婚?!

I always leave the toilet seat up.
我總是把馬桶坐墊掀起來。

Hey honey, could you start putting the toilet seat down when you're done?
嘿,寶貝,你上完廁所可以開始把馬桶坐墊放下來嗎?

Well, then, could you start putting it up when you're done? 2-0 Ryan.
嗯,那麼,妳上完廁所可以開始把馬桶坐墊掀起來嗎?2 比 0 Ryan 勝。

And the worst quality of all, and probably the main reason why I'm still single, is because I tend to overreact...just a little bit.
最差勁的一項特質,而且或許是我仍舊單身的主要原因是,因為我容易過度反應...一點點。

I'm gonna miss you. Do you have to go?
我會想你的。你一定要走嗎?

You already know, though.
妳就已經知道啦。

Well, have a safe flight.
好吧,飛行平安喔。

Have a safe flight? Have a safe flight?! How dare you put that kind of pressure on me! I'm not the pilot. I can't control the safety of my own plane...let alone the entire flight! You know, sometimes, you can be really insensitive.
飛行平安?飛行平安?!妳怎麼敢把那種壓力加在我身上!我又不是開飛機的人。我不能控制我自己班機的安全...更不用說一整趟飛行旅途!妳知道嗎,有時候,妳真的很遲鈍。

Okay, so maybe I exaggerated a little bit. But we all know that everyone has these qualities, at least to a certain degree, because, as we all know, nobody is perfect. Whether you think it's your favorite celebrity, or YouTubers, or a new boyfriend or girlfriend that you've been dating for the past month, they're all just as messed up as you are. Because we're all human. And the trick is not to find the perfect person but for the perfect person...to find the trick. Anyway, if you're in a relationship or if you're single, and no matter what, I just wanna let you guys know that I...
好吧,或許我誇張了一點。但我們都知道每個人都有這些特質,至少某種程度上來說,因為,我們都知道,沒有人是完美的。不論你認為是你最愛的名人、或是 YouTuber(註一)、或是你過去一個月在交往的新男友或女友,他們都跟你一樣迷惘。因為我們都是人。而竅門就是不要去找完美的人,而是讓完美的人...來找到竅門。總而言之,如果現在你有對象或單身,不管怎麼樣,我只想讓你們知道我...

Hey.
嘿。

Hi.
嗨。

I just saw your video and you're right.
我剛剛看到你的影片,而你是對的。

How? I'm still filming it.
怎麼會?我還在錄耶。

No one is perfect, and I forgive you because...I still love you.
沒有人是完美的,而我原諒你因為...我仍然愛你。

One sec.
等一下。

Oh yeah, and I forgot to tell you guys. I have a really hard time saying "I love you" to people.
喔對,我忘記告訴你們。我真的對於說「我愛你」有困難。

Me too.
我也是。

What?
什麼?

Ditto!
同上!

I just told you I love you, and you can't even say it back to me?
我剛剛才說我愛你,而你連回我一下都不行嗎?

I said, "Me too." I love me, too.
我說,「我也是。」我也愛我自己。

You know what? Just forget it. I can't believe I wasted all this time on you. Goodbye, Ryan. And have fun finding someone that can put up with you.
你知道嗎?算了。我不敢相信我浪費了這麼一段時間在你身上。再見,Ryan。祝你找到可以忍受你的人。

And I could still hear her words echoing in my head as if it just happened yesterday.
而我仍然可以聽到她的那些話在我腦海中迴盪著,好像昨天才發生一樣。

And have fun finding someone that can put up with you.
祝你找到可以忍受你的人。

And that's when I realized I could not, would not, shant not let things end like this. Catherine! You have fun finding someone that can put up with you. 3-0 Ryan.
就是那時候我發現我不能、不可以、不應該讓一切這樣結束。Catherine!妳才慢慢找可以忍受妳的人吧。3 比 0 Ryan 勝。

註一:YouTuber 指的是在影音分享平台 YouTube 上分享影片的人。

  • 「一直、不停地」- All The Time

    So one of the most common questions I get all the time is, "Hey, Ryan! Are you single?"
    一直以來我最常被問到的其中一個問題是:「嘿,Ryan!你單身嗎?」

  • 「不知道」- Have No Idea

    But to be honest, guys, you have no idea what it's like to date someone like me.
    但說真的,各位,你不會知道跟我這種人約會是什麼樣子。

  • 「更不用說」- Let Alone

    I can't control the safety of my own plane...let alone the entire flight!
    我不能控制我自己班機的安全...更不用說一整趟飛行旅途!

  • 「容忍、忍受」- Put Up With

    You have fun finding someone that can put up with you.
    妳才慢慢找可以忍受妳的人吧。

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