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「〈文字罪之歌〉教你複雜文法!」- Word Crimes


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Everybody shut up
每個人都閉嘴
Everyone listen up
每個人都好好聽著

If you can't write in the proper way
如果你不能用正規的方式書寫
If you don't know how to conjugate
如果你不曉得怎麼列舉動詞變化
Maybe you flunked that class
也許你那堂課被當掉了
And maybe now you find
也許你現在發現
That people mock you online
人們在網路上嘲笑你

Okay, now here's the deal:
好的,現在事情是這樣的:
I'll try to educate you
我會試著教育你
Gonna familiarize you with the nomenclature
要讓你熟悉學術用語
You'll learn the definitions of nouns and prepositions
你會學到名詞和介係詞的定義
Literacy's your mission
識字就是你的任務

And that's why I think it's a good time to learn some grammar
也就是為什麼我認為這是學些文法的好時機
Now, did I stammer?
現在,我口吃了嗎?
Work on that grammar
努力學習那文法

You should know when it's less or it's fewer
你應該要知道什麼時候該用 less 或什麼時候該用 fewer
Like people who were never raised in a sewer
就像那些從未在水溝裡長大的人們

I hate these word crimes
我痛恨這些文字罪
Like I could care less
好像我可以再不在意一點
That means you do care at least a little
那表示你是在意的,至少有一些些
Don't be a moron
別當個白痴
You'd better slow down
你最好慢下來
And use the right pronoun
用對的代名詞
Show the world you're no clown
向世界證明你不是小丑

Say you got an it followed by apostrophe
這麼說好了,你有一個後面接著撇號的 it
Now, what does that mean?
現在,那是什麼意思?
You would not use it's in this case as a possessive
你在這例句中不能用 it's 作為所有格
It's a contraction
那是個縮寫
What's a contraction?
縮寫是什麼?
Well, it's the shortening of a word or group of words by omission of a sound or letter
這個嘛,那是藉由音節或字母的省略,來縮短單字或是詞組的東西

Okay, now here are some notes
好的,現在這裡有些筆記
Syntax you're always mangling
你總是亂用的語法
No X in Espresso
Espresso裡面沒有X
Your participle's dangling
你的分詞掛在那邊
But I don't want your drama
但我不想看到你在小題大做
If you really wanna leave out that Oxford comma
如果你真的想要省略那個牛津逗號(註一)

Just keep in mind that BCRU are words not letters
只要記得 BCRU 都是不能代表單字的字母
Get it together
把它組在一起
Use your spell checker
使用你的拼字檢查

You should never write words using numbers
你應該永遠都不要把數字當單字寫
Unless you're seven or your name is Prince
除非你七歲,或是你的名字是Prince(歌手,曾將數字當成英文字母寫作)

I hate these word crimes
我痛恨這些文字罪
You really need a full-time proofreader
你真的需要一名全職的校稿者
You dumb mouth-breather
你這個超級大笨蛋
Well, you should hire some cunning linguists
這個嘛,你應該雇用一些精明的語言學家
To help you distinguish what is proper English
來幫助你辨別什麼是正統英文

One thing I ask of you...
我要問你的一件事...
Time to learn your homophones is past due
了解你的異義同音字的時機已經過期了
To diagram your sentence, too
也要以圖示出你的句子
Always say, "to whom;" don't ever say, "to who"
永遠要說:「to whom」;絕不要說:「to who」

Listen up, when I tell you this
聽好,當我告訴你這個
I hope you never use quotation marks for emphasis
我希望你從未用引號來強調
You finished second grade I hope you can tell
你讀完二年級,我希望你可以分別
If you're doing good or doing well
你是在做好事還是做得很好
Figure out the difference
理解那差異
Irony is not coincidence
諷刺並不是巧合
And I thought that you'd gotten it through your skull
我想你已經透過你的腦袋瓜兒學會它了
About what's figurative and what's literal
關於什麼是象徵還有什麼是字面的意思

Oh, but just now you said
喔,但你就在剛剛你說了:
You literally couldn't get out of bed
你實在無法起床
That really makes me want to literally smack a crowbar upside your stupid head
那真的讓我實在想要把一個鐵撬砸在你的蠢頭上

I read your e-mail
我讀了你的電子郵件
It's quite apparent your grammar's errant
你的文法已走入歧途這事滿明顯的
You're incoherent
你言語不清
I saw your blog post
我看過你的部落格文章
It's really fantastic
那真的好棒棒
That was sarcastic
那是諷刺啦
Because you write like a spastic
因為你寫得跟麻痺患者一樣

I hate these word crimes
我痛恨這些文字罪
Your prose is dopey
你寫的散文讀來很蠢
Think you should only write in emoji
覺得你應該只用表情符號來寫

You're a lost cause
你就是個註定要失敗的人
Go back to preschool
回去念幼稚園吧
Get out of the gene pool
離開那基因庫
Try your best to not drool
盡力別胡言亂語

Never mind, I give up
沒關係,我放棄了
Really, now I give up
真的啦,現在我放棄了

註一:牛津逗號(Oxford comma),也稱為哈佛逗號(Harvard comma),指的是英文中列舉多項事物時,在最後一項及 and 前加上的逗號,以避免混淆。

例如:A, B, and C(其中 and C 前方的逗號,即為牛津逗號。)

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