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「婚前必看!你們的愛能長久嗎?」- Before You Get Married...Watch This


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Marriage expert John Gottman can sit with newly engaged couples for 15 minutes or less and predict, with 94 percent success, the likelihood of whether that couple will be happily married or miserable and divorced. What is his secret? How does he do it?
婚姻專家 John Gottman 只要和新婚夫婦坐在一起十五分鐘,或甚至花更少的時間,就能得出準確率高達 94% 的預測,預測兩人會過著幸福的婚姻生活,抑或是走向悲慘和離婚。他的秘訣是什麼?他怎麼辦到的?

He says the key to relationship success does not lie in candlelight dinners; it is not found in trips to Paris or horse-and-carriage rides under moonlit skies; it is not found in getting your partner a different gift every other week, and it is not found during long walks on the beach. Gottman says the most important factor for a happy marriage is—attention, small moments of positive attention.
他說,情感關係成功的關鍵並不在於燭光晚餐;不是到巴黎旅行,或在月光照耀的夜空下乘著馬車;不是每隔一個禮拜就送你的伴侶不同的禮物,也不是在沙灘上漫步。Gottman 說,幸福婚姻最重要的因素就是--專注,給予對方全心全意關注的每一段細碎時光。

When I heard this, I thought about my mom. See, when I was six, she told me that it was the little things that make the big difference. And as I look back on my parents' failed marriage, I see that it was those little things that eventually became non-existent. And if you're watching this now, then I know it sounds reminiscent because it is all too common today on this planet that we take each other for granted. We don't know what we have until it's gone. We lose touch with those who mean so much by neglecting the things that are so small.
我聽到的時候,就想到我媽媽。我六歲的時候,她就告訴我微小的事情會造成巨大的不同。我回想起我爸媽失敗的婚姻,發現就是因為那些微小重要的時刻都消失不見了。如果你現在在看這部影片,我知道聽起來太耽溺於過去,因為現今地球上的我們,都太習慣把彼此視為理所當然。我們直到失去才明白擁有過什麼。我們與重要的人漸行漸遠,因為我們都忽略掉那些非常微小的事情。

Now look, if you wanna book a limousine with a mariachi band inside to take your sweetheart on a helicopter ride, that's fine. But I have to mention, none of that compares to giving your consistent, undivided time and attention. Because lasting love, as Gottman said, is all about the small stuff.
聽我說,如果你想要租一台豪華轎車,裡面還有一團墨西哥街頭樂隊,帶你心愛的人去搭直升機,當然可以。但我必須說,這些都比不上你給予對方完整的時間與全心的專注。如 Gottman 所說,這正是因為長久的愛都存在於那些微小的事物上。

It's about looking to your partner and telling them, "I love the way your hair looks in the morning." It's about sending a random "I miss you" text to tell them that they're in your heart and on your mind. It's about when they call you during the day—does your voice light up like a dream come true? Or does your tone sound like you've got better, more important things to do?
長久的愛是凝視你的伴侶並告訴他們:「我喜歡你的頭髮早晨凌亂的樣子。」是隨意地傳送一句「我想你」的簡訊給他們,告訴對方他們在你心裡,在你心上。也是在他們白天打給你的時候--你的聲音是否像是夢想實現般亮了起來?還是你的聲音聽起來像是你還有其他更好更重要的事情要做?

It's about choosing praise over blame. It's about holding their hand when you know they are afraid, and you might be, too, but you say, "I'm here. It's gonna be okay." It's about pressing pause on your favorite show, so they can tell you about their day. It's about making up funny nicknames. It's about complimenting a new hairstyle. It's about noticing the funny way their lips curl up when they smile. It's about the simple things like remembering that no matter how hard it gets or how much you argue, you're on the same team.
長久的愛是選擇稱讚而非責備。是知道他們害怕,就算你可能也很害怕時,還是會握著他們的手,說:「我在這。沒事的。」是看你最愛的電視劇時按下暫停鍵,讓他們告訴你今天發生了什麼事。是亂取好笑的綽號。是稱讚對方的新髮型。是發現他們微笑時雙唇捲曲起來有趣的樣子。長久的愛存在於簡單的小事上,像是會記得不管情況多糟或你們吵得多兇,你們永遠站在同一陣線。

It's about the simple bliss of watching a movie cuddled up in the bed. It's the gentle kiss right on the forehead. It's about the eye contact at the breakfast table where due to the light hitting them at a certain angle, you notice a different shade or texture of their eyes. It's about those tight hugs from behind. It's about choosing to be kind instead of right all the time. It's the small gestures to show them they are truly treasured. It's not about the fancy, dress-up dance clubs, because slow dancing in the kitchen wearing sweatpants is way better. It's about being weirdos together. It ain't always about making the heart melt. It's about getting them a glass of water when you get one for yourself.
長久的愛是,依偎在床鋪上看電影的簡單幸福。是在額頭上溫柔的吻。是坐在早餐桌前對視時,因光線以特別的角度照在對方臉上,讓你注意到他雙眼產生的不同的光影與紋路。是從背後緊緊地擁抱。是選擇同理寬容,而不是總是要證明自己是對的。長久的愛存在於那些小動作上,讓他們知道他們受到真誠的珍視。並不在於那些華麗的扮裝熱舞俱樂部上,因為穿著運動褲在廚房慢舞更為動人。是在於享受一起當怪咖的樂趣。並不在於每次都要讓你的心融化。而在於這些微小的溫柔,像是在幫自己拿杯水時,也為對方倒杯水。

And, yes, I realize that with so many extravagant celebrity weddings, for some people, this may sound like trash—but if your partner doesn't feel seen, appreciated, or listened to without fear of judgment, then what kind of partnership do you have?
是的,我知道,現在有這麼多奢華的名人婚禮,對一些人來說,我說的這些話可能聽起來像垃圾一樣無用--但如果你的伴侶無法感受到自己被看見、被欣賞,或無所顧忌地被聆聽,那你到底擁有怎樣的伴侶關係呢?

It is said that three billion people in the world will go to bed hungry tonight, and there are four billion who will go to bed hungry for a single word of love and appreciation. If you have a malnourished partner, love one, or friend, then please listen. I want you to feed them small acts of love and attention. And now is a good time to start because it truly is the small moments of our lives that take up the biggest part of our hearts.
據說,今晚全世界會有三十億人帶著飢餓入睡,而會有四十億人卻是缺乏一句愛與珍視的話語,帶著乾涸的心靈入睡。如果你的伴侶、愛人或朋友因為缺乏愛而心靈枯槁,那請好好聽我說。希望你們以充滿愛與專注的微小舉動滋養他們。現在就開始吧,現在正是好時刻,因為佔有我們心靈最大一部份的,正是那些生活中的微小時刻。

Lorraine and Deanna, married one year
Lorraine and Deanna,結婚一年

Nerris and Stefanie, dating three years
Nerris and Stefanie,交往三年

Warren and Carlos, dating two years
Warren and Carlos,交往兩年

Pamela and William, married 15 years
Pamela and William,結婚十五年

Corey and Lynette, married three years
Corey and Lynette,結婚三年

Dee and Marina, married one year
Dee and Marina,結婚一年

Michael and Serita, dating two years
Michael and Serita,交往兩年

Ray and Brett, married four years
Ray and Brett,結婚四年

Vlada and Mark, married five years
Vlada and Mark,結婚五年

Linda and Ted, married 40 years
Linda and Ted,結婚四十年

  • 「回顧、回想」- Look Back

    And as I look back on my parents' failed marriage, I see that it was those little things that eventually became non-existent.
    我回想起我爸媽失敗的婚姻,發現就是因為那些微小重要的時刻都消失不見了。

  • 「把...視為理所當然」- Take...For Granted

    And if you're watching this now, then I know it sounds reminiscent because it is all too common today on this planet that we take each other for granted.
    如果你現在在看這部影片,我知道聽起來太耽溺於過去,因為現今地球上的我們,都太習慣把彼此視為理所當然。

  • 「與...失去聯繫、漸行漸遠」- Lose Touch With

    We lose touch with those who mean so much by neglecting the things that are so small.
    我們與重要的人漸行漸遠,因為我們都忽略掉那些非常微小的事情。

  • 「佔(位置、地方)」- Take Up

    And now is a good time to start because it truly is the small moments of our lives that take up the biggest part of our hearts.
    現在就開始吧,現在正是好時刻,因為佔有我們心靈最大一部份的,正是那些生活中的微小時刻。

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