Dear Kitten, you've probably noticed that there's a new "thing" in the house. It is called "a dog." And I know this because before you, I had a best friend named Peanut. Rest in peace. At first I assumed Peanut was just a very ugly cat, charming in his own way, but terrible breath. Awful. So kitten, here are some things that you need to know.
Dear Kitten, imagine a cat. Now take away independence, cleanliness, and intelligence. What you have left is basically a dog. Here's an example. Yesterday, I saw the dog sitting on his butt scooching forward with his front paws. And he looked over at me, and you know what he said? He said, "Check it out. I'm walking on two legs, just like the peoples do." I mean, that gives you an idea what we're dealing with here.
Dear Kitten, you might see me get a little "Ninja Crazy Town" now and then, you know, like a woo-cha...woo...Don't get freaked out. I'm just expressing dominance, which is—oh my...no. You are not good at that. That was actually worse. It looked like your spine just sneezed. No, boy.
Dear Kitten, you might hear the phrase "a dog is a man's best friend." That is, frankly, incredible marketing on their part. I don't know how they did it. They're certainly not buying ads in the newspaper. I mean, have you seen what they do with newspapers? Trust me, it's the opposite of reading, if you know what I mean. I mean, they poop on them.
Dear Kitten, the dog is the sort of creature that will decide whether it should put something in its mouth by putting it in its mouth. That's the level of decision-making that goes on. They basically eat everything, case in point, butt paper. They even eat those weird, brown, dehydrated, pip nuggets that the humans give us. Don't get mad. Let the dog eat all of our dried food. If it gets caught, it gets put in jail, and right then we can enjoy the moist deliciousness of the can without interruption. It's a gambit.
Dear Kitten, you may hear the dog being referred to as a "puppy," which I think is some sort of a French way of saying "puppet." This explains why they attach that string to him from time to time—worst marionette ever, if you ask me. But the point is that if they try to put that string on you, just freeze. You don't want to get into show business, trust me.
Dear Kitten, yes, the dog can be cuddly at times. I mean, just today it came over and it started licking me inside of my ears. Was it weird? Yes. But also rather pleasant. Don't judge. When they get happy, stay to the front, because their tails become some sort of a weird, psycho, furious sword. And I've seen them take the legs right out from under a baby.
Dear Kitten, our lives just got a bit more difficult, and alone time will be harder to find. But at least we can rest assured that the humans won't get too lonely during our naps. And perhaps that is enough. Weeha! That's right, doggy. Bow down.
註一：people 即為複數的「人」，不可加 s。這邊是故意講錯，要人覺得小狗很笨的樣子。
- 「安息」- Rest In Peace
And I know this because before you, I had a best friend named Peanut. Rest in peace.
- 「與...打交道、應付」- Deal With
I mean, that gives you an idea what we're dealing with here.
- 「使某人嚇得要死」- Freak Out
Don't get freaked out.
- 「恰當的例子」- Case In Point
They basically eat everything, case in point, butt paper.
- 「有時、偶爾」- From Time To Time
This explains why they attach that string to him from time to time...
- 「有時、不時」- At Times
Dear Kitten, yes, the dog can be cuddly at times.
- 「放心」- Rest Assured
But at least we can rest assured that the humans won't get too lonely during our naps.