All right. Congrats again to the newlyweds, and I hope everybody has a full drink because it is time for every wedding speech ever!
Hi, everyone. I hope you're all having as much fun as I am tonight. For those of you who do not know me, I am the maid of honor.
I am the groom's brother. He felt obligated to make me the best man even though we are not close at all.
I'm the bride's father. This is the first time I'm seeing my ex-wife since the divorce, so I'm desperately trying to look good.
I am the groom's mother, and I just wanna say...
This day is all about Lauren and Casey, except for the next five minutes which will be about me living out my dream of being a stand-up comedian.
今天是屬於 Lauren 和 Casey 的日子，但接下來的五分鐘除外，因為我要實現當單人喜劇演員的夢想。
I wasn't exactly sure how to convey how much you two mean to me, so I wrote this poem.
I just spent four days with my brother and his actual friends. It was bad and not fun. Everyone would've preferred if I wasn't there.
Casey and Lauren, your love is true. Casey and Lauren, I wish only the best for you.
Casey 和 Lauren，你們的愛是真愛。Casey 和 Lauren，我祝你們幸福美滿。
The dictionary defines soul mate as "a person who's perfectly suited to another in temperament." And that's just like Casey and Lauren.
字典解釋靈魂伴侶的意思是：「一個人在性格上與另一人完全合拍。」而這就是 Casey 和 Lauren 之間的關係。
I love my baby.
Casey and Lauren, you'll be together forever. Casey and Lauren, seeing your love makes me feel light like a feather. And now, I will continue for 10 more minutes.
Casey 和 Lauren，你們將會相伴一生。Casey 和 Lauren，見證你們的愛讓我開心到覺得輕飄飄的。現在，我要再繼續講十分鐘。
I can't wait to take my brother down. I remember this specific sh**ty thing he did to me when we were little that I should be over by now.
You're really more like a sister to me than a best friend. Seriously, what am I going to do now that you're married? I am hanging on by a f**king thread right now.
I've been so happy.
Growing up, Lauren loved the play Annie. Maybe that's why she's always looked at me as her Daddy Warbucks. That's right; I'm gonna keep coming up with unfunny ways to remind everybody that I paid for this wedding.
Do you remember what happened at Horseshoe Lake? And who can forget that one time on Bell Tower Hill? I'll keep alienating everyone else by vaguely alluding to things that only the two of us experienced.
I think we can eat right now.
Now, I'm gonna raise some red flags. Here's a story about your husband's first girlfriend, who he treated like absolute sh**.
I'm now going to embarrass you in front of your family by hinting at some wild night we had in college at a sex party where we were both trashed and high out of our f**king minds.
Oh, oh, here's another story about your husband hating women.
Here's a joke about how you'll probably get divorced, but I'm not paying for the next wedding.
I am so excited that I get to be a grandma.
Thank you so much for letting me be a part of your love. Wow, I'm just realizing how that was the weirdest way to end this speech.
Now, you take care of my little girl. Make sure she stays out of trouble. You're the new man in her life and other statements that sounds nice but are actually super misogynistic.
- 「有義務」- Feel Obligated To
He felt obligated to make me the best man even though we are not close at all.
- 「暗示」- Allude To
I'll keep alienating everyone else by vaguely alluding to things that only the two of us experienced.
- 「警示、引戰」- Raise Red Flags
Now, I'm gonna raise some red flags.
- 「遠離、避免」- Stay Out Of
Make sure she stays out of trouble.