Eight. That's how many times I have to blink after waking up to a day full of very, very strange rituals. Now, careful not to get out of my bed with the wrong foot. And I am off to some algebra. One, two, three. One, two, three.
Most people think that OCD means obsessively washing your hands and trying to align everything. Trust me, things are about to get a lot more f**ked up as we carry on.
Now it's time to attempt leaving the house. I start by lifting my hand off the doorknob using a very specific slow movement. I enter the elevator, and I stop it, obviously. You didn't think I'd leave without checking the door, did you? Don't be silly. I'll be back, at least twice. Yeah, there it is. I go down. I enter the car.
Doing pretty well so far, no intrusive thoughts for the past 30 seconds. Think I'm going for a combo here. And then, Mr. Satan comes along and whispers into my ear, "Did you check the window, taps, lights, power?" And I reply, "Yes, Mr. Satan. I did." But I have to go back, and I have to check. Otherwise, I get the feeling something terrible might happen.
目前做得很好，剛剛 30 秒內都沒有什麼擾人的念頭。我想我應該可以連續成功。但是接著，撒旦先生來了，在我耳邊低語：「妳有沒有檢查窗戶、水龍頭、電燈、電源？」我回答：「有的，撒旦先生。我檢查過了。」但我還是得回去，然後再檢查一次。不然我會覺得有什麼不好的事情會發生。
I love to eat. But I am pretty sure that if loaves of bread with unevenly spread butter were the only food available on earth, I would starve to death. I also avoid certain meals just because they have a weird texture that reminds me of worms.
And I have to touch specific objects many times until it feels just right. But now that I think of it, that sounded weirdly sexual, so please don't take this out of context.
Um, anyway, here comes the messed-up part. I get these terrible urges to ride off the road, hit a tree, jump off the bridge, run over my ex-boyfriend. And then I'm sitting there, wondering, Am I really capable of doing all these things? I don't want to die, and surely I don't want to kill anyone—though my ex is asking for it. And you might be sitting there, thinking, Sweet Jesus, how do I file a restraining order against this crazy bitch? And I can't really blame you, but let me explain how intrusive thoughts work.
Most of us get them, but normal people leave them behind, and they cheerfully get back to watching funny cat videos online. Now, if you have OCD, you will start picking each thought apart and the next thing you know, you are stuck with a bunch of new rituals—one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight—that make you look like you are high on acid.
And there is a part of me that knows all of this is utterly stupid and pointless, but giving in and, you know, performing some witchcraft is always so much easier than having to face the terrible thoughts my mind projects.
I'm 27, and I am scared to death if I leave my bathroom door open. I'd really like to be in charge, but at the end of the day, I know I...just can't stop.
我 27 歲，如果我把浴室門開著我會嚇死。我很想要掌控我的行為，但到頭來，我知道我...就是無法停下來。
- 「過度鑽研、挑毛病」- Pick Apart
Now, if you have OCD, you will start picking each thought apart and the next thing you know, you are stuck with a bunch of new rituals—one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight—that make you look like you are high on acid.
- 「到頭來、最終」- At The End Of The Day
I'd really like to be in charge, but at the end of the day, I know I...just can't stop.