Marriage expert John Gottman can sit with newly engaged couples for 15 minutes or less and predict, with 94 percent success, the likelihood of whether that couple will be happily married or miserable and divorced. What is his secret? How does he do it?
婚姻專家 John Gottman 只要和新婚夫婦坐在一起十五分鐘，或甚至花更少的時間，就能得出準確率高達 94% 的預測，預測兩人會過著幸福的婚姻生活，抑或是走向悲慘和離婚。他的秘訣是什麼？他怎麼辦到的？
He says the key to relationship success does not lie in candlelight dinners; it is not found in trips to Paris or horse-and-carriage rides under moonlit skies; it is not found in getting your partner a different gift every other week, and it is not found during long walks on the beach. Gottman says the most important factor for a happy marriage is—attention, small moments of positive attention.
When I heard this, I thought about my mom. See, when I was six, she told me that it was the little things that make the big difference. And as I look back on my parents' failed marriage, I see that it was those little things that eventually became non-existent. And if you're watching this now, then I know it sounds reminiscent because it is all too common today on this planet that we take each other for granted. We don't know what we have until it's gone. We lose touch with those who mean so much by neglecting the things that are so small.
Now look, if you wanna book a limousine with a mariachi band inside to take your sweetheart on a helicopter ride, that's fine. But I have to mention, none of that compares to giving your consistent, undivided time and attention. Because lasting love, as Gottman said, is all about the small stuff.
聽我說，如果你想要租一台豪華轎車，裡面還有一團墨西哥街頭樂隊，帶你心愛的人去搭直升機，當然可以。但我必須說，這些都比不上你給予對方完整的時間與全心的專注。如 Gottman 所說，這正是因為長久的愛都存在於那些微小的事物上。
It's about looking to your partner and telling them, "I love the way your hair looks in the morning." It's about sending a random "I miss you" text to tell them that they're in your heart and on your mind. It's about when they call you during the day—does your voice light up like a dream come true? Or does your tone sound like you've got better, more important things to do?
It's about choosing praise over blame. It's about holding their hand when you know they are afraid, and you might be, too, but you say, "I'm here. It's gonna be okay." It's about pressing pause on your favorite show, so they can tell you about their day. It's about making up funny nicknames. It's about complimenting a new hairstyle. It's about noticing the funny way their lips curl up when they smile. It's about the simple things like remembering that no matter how hard it gets or how much you argue, you're on the same team.
It's about the simple bliss of watching a movie cuddled up in the bed. It's the gentle kiss right on the forehead. It's about the eye contact at the breakfast table where due to the light hitting them at a certain angle, you notice a different shade or texture of their eyes. It's about those tight hugs from behind. It's about choosing to be kind instead of right all the time. It's the small gestures to show them they are truly treasured. It's not about the fancy, dress-up dance clubs, because slow dancing in the kitchen wearing sweatpants is way better. It's about being weirdos together. It ain't always about making the heart melt. It's about getting them a glass of water when you get one for yourself.
And, yes, I realize that with so many extravagant celebrity weddings, for some people, this may sound like trash—but if your partner doesn't feel seen, appreciated, or listened to without fear of judgment, then what kind of partnership do you have?
It is said that three billion people in the world will go to bed hungry tonight, and there are four billion who will go to bed hungry for a single word of love and appreciation. If you have a malnourished partner, love one, or friend, then please listen. I want you to feed them small acts of love and attention. And now is a good time to start because it truly is the small moments of our lives that take up the biggest part of our hearts.
Lorraine and Deanna, married one year
Lorraine and Deanna，結婚一年
Nerris and Stefanie, dating three years
Nerris and Stefanie，交往三年
Warren and Carlos, dating two years
Warren and Carlos，交往兩年
Pamela and William, married 15 years
Pamela and William，結婚十五年
Corey and Lynette, married three years
Corey and Lynette，結婚三年
Dee and Marina, married one year
Dee and Marina，結婚一年
Michael and Serita, dating two years
Michael and Serita，交往兩年
Ray and Brett, married four years
Ray and Brett，結婚四年
Vlada and Mark, married five years
Vlada and Mark，結婚五年
Linda and Ted, married 40 years
Linda and Ted，結婚四十年
- 「回顧、回想」- Look Back
And as I look back on my parents' failed marriage, I see that it was those little things that eventually became non-existent.
- 「把...視為理所當然」- Take...For Granted
And if you're watching this now, then I know it sounds reminiscent because it is all too common today on this planet that we take each other for granted.
- 「與...失去聯繫、漸行漸遠」- Lose Touch With
We lose touch with those who mean so much by neglecting the things that are so small.
- 「佔（位置、地方）」- Take Up
And now is a good time to start because it truly is the small moments of our lives that take up the biggest part of our hearts.